I hate your face
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize