More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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