why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
