ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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