Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
