Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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