I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
