I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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