So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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