Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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