Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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