The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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