Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How's work?
Spinning.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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