do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
