Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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