i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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