honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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