is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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