This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
