just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
