I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
