I wish I only lived at night.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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