i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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