Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
