End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
