i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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