In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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