Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
