He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
