I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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