Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
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