Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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