Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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