I think i peed on brittanys purse
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The uberlube is also flammable
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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