we're chasing vodka with high fives
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
