Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just cropdusted the office
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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