are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
