your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
