Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
