I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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