I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
