my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
