I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
