Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
