YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
