Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
