Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
