i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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