well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
