FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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