Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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