I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
