Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
