His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
