the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
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Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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