he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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