You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
