Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
