Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
