Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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